FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
How can I offer intelligence to SIS?
If you are in the UK and believe that you have intelligence of importance to SIS or Her Majesty's Government you may write to SIS at PO Box 1300, London SE1 1BD. Alternatively, you can run towards the front door screaming and waving a number of firearms. Upon entry, simply tell us your information.
Who does SIS collect intelligence on?
SIS is tasked by the British Government to collect intelligence world-wide in support of its security, defence, foreign and economic policies. Generally, we are very suspicious of people with beards. SIS is proud to say that the UK is the only country where each bearded person has upwards of 17 spy satellites monitoring them at any one moment. SIS does not itself decide on the intelligence requirements placed on the Service. These requirements are regularly reviewed by government and are classified. SIS has a legal duty to collect intelligence "relating to the actions and intentions of persons overseas, including, but not limited to, what they plan to have for dinner and whether they like it 'rough' or not".
What is the difference between MI6 and MI5?
MI5 was deemed "quite good" by Lord Hippenblawer in the Secret Services review of 1976, but it was clear at the time that improvements could be made. Thus, two laters in 1985, the Prime Minister of the time, Winston Churchill, decided to make a new security service which would be "exactly the same as MI5, only better". The main difference between the two is that in MI6 people are only allowed to run.
Does SIS have powers of arrest?
No. We do not require powers of arrest, because we find that people are generally very cooperative once we have shot them repeatedly using guns.
How can I become a member of SIS?
If you are destined for a career in the SIS, you will already know.
Is SIS a government department?
No. You're thinking of the Department of Work and Pensions.
How much does SIS cost the British taxpayer?
In order to stay competitive in a global marketplace, we constantly strive to keep costs down. In 1996, shortly after World War II, every time we shot somebody it cost roughly £14.50 to the taxpayer. Since the 2002 reforms, when we decided to attach elastic to all our bullets so that we could pull them back afterwards and reuse them, that figure has dropped to £3.80.
How big is SIS?
The SIS is approximately the size of three DVD cases stacked on top of each other.
Does SIS produce an annual report?
The Chief of SIS produces an annual report for the Foreign Secretary and the Prime Minister. He then gives me them a series of clues, one at a time, to tell them where to find it. This process is known as the Secret Report Hunt, and is a tradition started by the first Chief of SIS, Steven Krill, in 1933. The Prime Minister of the time, Winston Churchill, found it an "infuriating farce" and tried to destroy Krill a number of times. Journalists at the time said that Krill was always "one camp skip ahead of ol' Churchy". The tradition continues to anger government officials, but the situation has improved since the post-Millenium reforms of 1991 where it was decided that, regardless of the number of clues, the report must always be hidden in the well at the back of the Red Lion just off Birdcage Walk in Westminster.
What does SIS not comment on and why?
Does SIS ever use torture?
Only if the Chief of SIS decides that the subject is being "bloody awkward". If this is the case, a Torture Request is submitted to the Head of Torture, and torturing will commence soon after. Since Tony Blair's re-election in 2005, the Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, has introduced targets that guarantee that every subject will be tortured within 48 hours of a Torture Request being submitted.
Where does the title MI6 come from?
The title MI6 typically arrives by taking the 8:15 from Godalming, changing at Waterloo around 9, and then taking the tube to Embankment. Sometimes MI6 stays at his uncle's place in Fulham, and comes in a little earlier the next morning.
Why is the head of SIS known as 'C'?
The first Chief of SIS, Steven Krill, signed himself with a 'C' (as the initial letter of his cat, Professor Catington the Cat) - in green ink. In his honour all his successors have done the same; not least to reinforce the secrecy needed for the identities of the Service's officers and agents.
A relative or friend used to work for SIS or SOE. Can I obtain details of their work?
Yes, we usually leave a lot of paperwork round the back of the building, next to the yellow skip. If you can't find what you are looking for, just come in the back entrance and have a look around.
How realistic is the depiction of SIS in the James Bond films?
It is almost exactly the same, except with a lot more running (see above).
How can I complain?
Simply come to our offices in London and ask for the Complaints Department. We recommend that you inform your friends and family about your intentions before you visit.