Motion Pictures (that anuse me)

[Pual]

How has Hollywood forgotten how to make films?

[blombluss]

For some reason tonight I watched Indiana jones and the CG de-aging catastrophe, the exciting fifth Indiana jones film that somehow cost $400 million dollars to make

So costs about as much as a PS5 Pro, and de-ages you in a similar fashion!!!11111!!11

[CandyDarling]

Megalopolis (2024, Dir: Francis Ford Coppola)

This is like The Room, but if it wasn't worth watching. Holy hell. I was the only person at the screening I went to - somehow I sat through the entire thing, and it was rancid. I did laugh a lot at it, at the sheer stupidity and shitness of everything, but I can't honestly recommend it to anyone else. It's not so-bad-it's-good, it's just bad. At one point I got so bored I started tapping out a little drumbeat on the water bottle I had with me just to keep myself occupied.

There's a bit where Adam Driver keeps roaring "NO NO NO NO NO" with his face in bandages after a small child shot him point blank in the face, and he has been brought back to life thanks to the new miracle material he discovered thanks to his late wife driving off a bridge, and also because of that he can also stop time. I know that sounds amazing but it really isn't.

Also there's another bit where the mayor of New Rome (which is either a city, or a country, or an entire cinvilation, but is also part of America, or something) has a dream about a big hand grabbing the moon and he wakes up and says something along the lines of "I saw a cloud that was shaped like hand". It was like something someone here would have written and put into a Nemi strip ten years ago.

Also there was this part about a young woman who was a virgin but she wasn't but she actually was due to a deepfake, and before that she sings an awful and creepy song about virginity that was weird and off-putting. Also oh no Adam Driver had sex with her and she was underage, only she isn't, and then it turns out it was a deepfake made by Shia Lebouf who was cosplaying as a zany transphobe. Also this girl was born in Indonesia, and the people who find this out make a face at that like "Only losers are born there!" or something. Shia Lebouf then says something like "Revenge is best served IN A DRESS", and why isn't he in jail, isn't he meant to be in jail for something?

I know this is an absolute fever dream of a post but this is what the movie is like, only I really must stress that despite the fact I was openly laughing at it at points I genuinely cannot say other people should see it. It's actually quite miserable and sad and the theme is "some billionaires are bad but others are good and yes that's fine".

The only good bit was when Dustin Hoffman is killed off in a scene lasting two seconds where a load of masonry falls on him and he goes "AAAAAH" and then that's it.

[dng]

It sounds a bit like the zero theorem in its absolute irredeemable terribleness/dullness/self satisfaction

[dng]

i wonder if i'm the first person to mention the zero theorem at any point in relation to anything at all since it came out and everyone instantly forgot about it because it was so astonishingly dull

[blombluss]

I watched the Pretty In Pink retread (sort of!) Some Kind Of Wonderful (John Hughes 80s teen flick), a few days back, and I wish I hadn't, because those fond memories I had of it, mostly no longer exist. It was a chore to get through Bah!

[Pual]

A man called Otto.

Which is A man called Ove, but he’s Tom Hanks in America not some man in Sweden. But he still likes Swedish cakes for some reason.
Anyway it was pointless but fine.

[dng]

The Substance - what if Brian Yuzna was still allowed to make films and now he was obsessed with Jane Fonda fitness videos

[dng]

starring Tom Morton as "the doctor"

[dng]

Well done Vom you were amazing in the 76 seconds you were on screen

[dng]

I barely even recognised you

[vom]

Ha I didn't realise I was in this

[vom]

I remember encountering this Tom Morton as a voice actor in "Long Way North" but I don't think I've seen his actual face on screen

[vom]

(only in a mirror etc)

[dng]

I remember encountering this Tom Morton as a voice actor in "Long Way North" but I don't think I've seen his actual face on screen

Hooray, I spent all night trying to remember what I'd seen you in before (and was about to look it up)

[blombluss]

I'm not sure I'm emotionally strong enough to accept two Tom Mortons.

[blombluss]

If fake Tom Morton was in a band called Lardpony, then I will take action.

[Bruce Sato]

I just remembered the time I spotted Vom in an episode of He-Man.

[vom]

I just remembered the time I spotted Vom in an episode of He-Man.

I made it my profile picture at the time so now I get regularly reminded of it by the internet's automated nostalgia function

[vom]

starring Tom Morton as "the doctor"

I just watched this but forgot that I was in it and got surprised all over again

I'm glad I picked that as the final horror film of the season because I'm not sure there would be any way to top it

[dng]

quantum of solace - i'd never seen this before, and it was quite good. it helped that it seemed to have a plot, and also wasn't four billion hours long like all the other daniel craig bond films

[dng]

also becuase it has the best theme tune

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6CoNUE5Zho

[endar]

good

[blombluss]

QoS is the only Bong film I've turned orf due to boredom. Didn't Craig and the Director write some of it because of the writers strike?

[dng]

I hope daniel craig wrote the bit where daniel craig just murdered absolutely everyone he ever saw for no reason whatsoever

[dng]

i hope daniel craig wrote the bit where daniel craig makes everything EXPLODE

[dng]

(no reason for the explosions are given)

[dng]

i hope daniel craig wrote the bit where daniel craig had sex with a woman

[dng]

(the reason is daniel craig is the sexiest hobgoblin in the secret service)

[blombluss]

(no reason for the explosions are given)

Reasonless explosions are the best explosions.

[blombluss]

The BANNED James Bond LaserDisc Commentaries are SHOCKING!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRY9rd_FQYc

I wouldn't say shocking - more like unsurprisingly sexist/awful.

[endar]

yes i saw that last week. At least they say things, rather than bland nothingness, i suppose

[blombluss]

I'm gonna do a n3ta director's commentary, and it's also going to be unsurprisingly sexist/awful.

[blombluss]

JanesBomd.png (13.17 KiB) Viewed 24834 times

[dng]

"forgotten"

[blombluss]

We've all "forgotten" to put trousers on when we've got a lot on our minds, haven't we?

[endar]

pictures you can hear

hoorays

[dng]

Megalopolis (2024, Dir: Francis Ford Coppola)

This is like The Room, but if it wasn't worth watching. Holy hell. I was the only person at the screening I went to - somehow I sat through the entire thing, and it was rancid. I did laugh a lot at it, at the sheer stupidity and shitness of everything, but I can't honestly recommend it to anyone else. It's not so-bad-it's-good, it's just bad. At one point I got so bored I started tapping out a little drumbeat on the water bottle I had with me just to keep myself occupied.

There's a bit where Adam Driver keeps roaring "NO NO NO NO NO" with his face in bandages after a small child shot him point blank in the face, and he has been brought back to life thanks to the new miracle material he discovered that anks to his late wife driving off a bridge, and also because of that he can also stop time. I know that sounds amazing but it really isn't.

Also there's another bit where the mayor of New Rome (which is either a city, or a country, or an entire cinvilation, but is also part of America, or something) has a dream about a big hand grabbing the moon and he wakes up and says something along the lines of "I saw a cloud that was shaped like hand". It was like something someone here would have written and put into a Nemi strip ten years ago.

Also there was this part about a young woman who was a virgin but she wasn't but she actually was due to a deepfake, and before that she sings an awful and creepy song about virginity that was weird and off-putting. Also oh no Adam Driver had sex with her and she was underage, only she isn't, and then it turns out it was a deepfake made by Shia Lebouf who was cosplaying as a zany transphobe. Also this girl was born in Indonesia, and the people who find this out make a face at that like "Only losers are born there!" or something. Shia Lebouf then says something like "Revenge is best served IN A DRESS", and why isn't he in jail, isn't he meant to be in jail for something?

I know this is an absolute fever dream of a post but this is what the movie is like, only I really must stress that despite the fact I was openly laughing at it at points I genuinely cannot say other people should see it. It's actually quite miserable and sad and the theme is "some billionaires are bad but others are good and yes that's fine".

The only good bit was when Dustin Hoffman is killed off in a scene lasting two seconds where a load of masonry falls on him and he goes "AAAAAH" and then that's it.

I just watched this for some reason. It's like one of those expensive perfume/aftershave adverts where someone famous says something vaguely profound sounding over scenes of empty opulence, but also two and a half hours long

[dng]

and Jon Voights in it occasionally looking utterly baffled

[dng]

quantum of solace - i'd never seen this before, and it was quite good. it helped that it seemed to have a plot, and also wasn't four billion hours long like all the other daniel craig bond films

i just watched no time to die and it was literally infinitely long (two and a half hours)

[dng]

presumably this was in homage to meal gear solid cutscene lengths, due to stealing its entire plot, setting, and also i think even the music at some points

[dng]

oh and also hugh dennis is in this for some reason

[dng]

possibly the most baffling part of any james bond film ever

[blombluss]

I only watch films that have Hugh Dennis in them.

[blombluss]

I've not seen No Time To Die

[blombluss]

I didn't like Ron (Rowan) Atkinson in Never Say Never Again, either.

[blombluss]

Mind you, it's not a particularly good film, so it doesn't really matter.

[dng]

Murder on the orient express (Albert Finney version)

I'd never seen this before. It was pretty good, I liked it. Especially the way Albert Finney basically plays poirot as mr creosote

[vom]

I loved that one. Somehow I saw it without knowing the story at all, despite it obviously being quite famous

The Kenneth Branagh one is rubbish

[An Unicorn]

Also there's another bit where the mayor of New Rome (which is either a city, or a country, or an entire cinvilation, but is also part of America, or something) has a dream about a big hand grabbing the moon and he wakes up and says something along the lines of "I saw a cloud that was shaped like hand". It was like something someone here would have written and put into a Nemi strip ten years ago.

cloud-shaped-like-a-hand.png (305.56 KiB) Viewed 8045 times