Lexigram (bespoke word delivery)

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Lexigram is a bespoke word delivery service. Receive a single unique handwritten word, personally chosen by our resident wordsmith and delivered to you anywhere in the world, for as little (or as much) as £3 a word.

https://accumulationofthings.com/lexigram/

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What is a Lexigram? It's a single word on a piece of card, delivered direct to you, anywhere in the world. What will your word be? It’s a mystery.

Each Lexigram will be a singular term, chosen secretively from the full breadth and depth of the English language, written relatively neatly in ink on card, and sent out to you via the intricate mesh of postal services across the world.

Intended simply to surprise and delight the recipient via the beauty of words, Lexigrams are a gift that remind us all, even if only fleetingly, of the pleasures of language. Every Lexigram shall be as beautiful to say as it is to hear, see, read, and use.

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Frantically Answered Queries

Q. What exactly is a Lexigram again?
A. It’s a word, written on a piece of card. Nothing more, nothing less.

Q. What is the purpose of this service?
A. There is no purpose to this service beyond a simple love of words, and also an excess of cards and envelopes currently in my possession.

Q. What guarantees can you provide concerning the quality of the words this service provides?
A. All these words will simply be nice to write and read and say and use (if possible). They shall also hopefully be spelled entirely correctly, though that is more of a promise than a guarantee at this stage.

Q. What language do the words come in?
A. English, unfortunately, though you are free to adapt them into any other as you see fit.

Q. Will the words be offensive and/or slightly unsettling in some way?
A. No. All words shall have unsettlingness values of ten or below (suitable for all ages).

Q. Is unsettlingness even a word?
A. If you understood its meaning, yes. Otherwise, possibly. If you are playing scrabble, almost certainly not, although please consult an acceptable dictionary for your region and or play level for final confirmation.

Q. How will I be able to tell that I have purchased a genuine Lexigram and not a replica or counterfeit from some sort of unofficial clone service totally unauthorised by the Lexigram initiative?
A. Each Lexigram will be uniquely numbered to ensure full verification with the official Lexigram database of issued words, on request, should you or anyone else be so inclined to ensure its provenance.

Q. Will I own the word once I have received it?
A. Yes. It will be yours forever, until such a time as you give it away or lose it or sell it or feel too embarrassed to admit you actually paid £3 for a word and throw it away in a moment of shame.

Q. What will I actually be able to do with this word?
A. Anything at all. I will not stop you.

Q. Will the word come with any explanation of its meaning or possible usage in a sentence or even any guarantee that it is actually a real word and not just some fabrication by a charlatan peddling unreal words for profit and or mischief?
A. No.

Q. Will you just re-use the same word over and over again to save on costs?
A. No. All words shall be utterly unique.

Q. What if I hate the word?
A. You won’t.

Q. I might!
A. In which case I will apologise and also feel bad for quite some time.

Q. How long will it take for my word to arrive?
A. All words are sent directly from England, so the further you are from there, the longer it’ll be. But no more than a month I hope.

Q. What happens if my word does not arrive?
A. We shall lament its loss together. Also I’ll send you another one.

Q. How will I receive the word?
A. The word shall be presented to you, via the postal service traditions of your country and/or region, on a piece of card, written via the use of a pen, in an ink of my choosing (black only).

Q. What sort of card and or/ink will you be using?
A. Card stock and ink may vary due to circumstance, though the size shall always be strictly smaller than that of the envelope it arrives in (envelope sizes may also vary).

Q. Will I be able to read your handwriting?
A. I don’t know. I hope so.

Q. Why don’t you just print the word in a nice font that looks nice and is legible?
A. Have you ever owned a printer? That is why.

Q. £3? For a word?
A. £3, for a word.

Q. I could buy a dictionary for less than that!
A. Yes, but you wouldn’t receive it through the post (unless you bought it from your online retailer of choice).

Q. It’s still too much!
A. It is exactly enough (after posting and packaging).

Q. Lexigram? More like lexicon!
A. Shut up.

Q. Are you associated with any of the other companies, products or services called lexigram?
A. No. Please do not tell them I exist.

Q. Can I choose my own word?
A. No.

Q. Can I choose somebody else’s word?
A. No.

Q. What is the minimum letter content of your words?
A. 3 or higher.

Q. Why don’t you use shorter and/or shortest words?
A. I hate them all.

Q. Can I buy more than one word?
A. You can buy as many words as you want (up to and including the full extent of the english language as it is and as I understand it).

Q. Is there a discount for buying multiple words?
A. No

Q. Why not?
A. I wish to discourage the possibility of sentences or any other accidentally emergent systems.

Q. How many words do you know, anyway?
A. Four

Q. That doesn’t sound many
A. Yet almost certainly enough

Q. Why do all your example words start with an ‘a’?
A. I am trying to avoid spoilers about the beauty still to come.

Q. What if I hate words?
A. I cannot help you there.

Q. I could just do this all myself!
A. Yes.

Q. Is this some sort of satire about NFTs?
A. I hope not.

Q. But it is a joke, right?
A. There is nothing funny about any of this. It is an endeavour of utmost sincerity.

Q. Will you be using any of the forbidden words?
A. Absolutely not.

Q. What exactly are the forbidden words anyway?
A. This interview is over.

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Purchase a lexigram today!

https://ko-fi.com/s/85534b75a8

£3

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Anway, I thought this would be funny for some reason

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but also its real because its not funny if its not

[blombluss]

You are a mad genius, Davuss!

Brillent!

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So far I have sold 1 (one) Lexigram

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only another 999,999 to go until I have exhausted the english language

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Anyway thank you mystery lexigram buyer from basingstoke

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I will choose a word for you today and send it forth as soon as it is possible (this afternoon)

[blombluss]

only another 999,999 to go until I have exhausted the english language

You monster!

[richschnauzer]

I will choose a word for you today and send it forth as soon as it is possible (this afternoon)

I am looking forward to receiving my WORD of POWER.

[dng]

Use it wisely

[dng]

Also did you know a first class stamp costs 95p now?

[richschnauzer]

I did, mother was so outraged when it was announced she stocked up on advance.

[dng]

Oh no. I hope she uses them all because apparently all current stamps become obsolete at the end of the year (to be replaced by stamps with barcodes on them or something)

[dng]

Although maybe she bought the new ones who knows

[blombluss]

Also did you know a first class stamp costs 95p now?

That was the kybosh on me posting out any stoopid blockytext cartrons.

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all praise the miracles of privatisation

[richschnauzer]

How else are they going to afford to pay the compensation to all those postmasters that they falsely accused of embezzlement and fraud?

[blombluss]

*Rich 'drops mic' and strolls off stage*

[richschnauzer]

Use it wisely

It is a marvellous and appropriate WORD. Thank ye.

[dng]

hooray. and also thank you

[An Unicorn]

Use it wisely

It is a marvellous and appropriate WORD. Thank ye.

What is your word Richard tell us tell us

[blombluss]

My guess was going to be 'Fudgery', but after discovering what it means via the Urban Dictionary, that's no longer my suggestion.

[dng]

I'm not looking up any aspect of that joke at all, ever

[richschnauzer]

Use it wisely

It is a marvellous and appropriate WORD. Thank ye.

What is your word Richard tell us tell us

£4 poun

[An Unicorn]

It is a marvellous and appropriate WORD. Thank ye.

What is your word Richard tell us tell us

£4 poun

What was Richards word dng tell us

[dng]

It's richard's word now. I have no power over it at all

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it was moon related

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moon words are the best of words

[An Unicorn]

That's lunacy!

[blombluss]

The moon doesn't exist. It's just a projection in the sky.

[dng]

I sold five of these over the weekend for some reason

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All to America (postage cost £1.85 per word)

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Combined with 60p in kofi/paypal fees, I'm not sure this is going to make me a millionaire anytime soon

[blombluss]

I sold five of these over the weekend for some reason

Hey, nice one!

[richschnauzer]

I sold five of these over the weekend for some reason

hooray

[dng]

one day richard will sell his word for seven million pounds at sothebys

[blombluss]

[Chortle Hound]

What will your word be? It’s a mystery.

This made me doned a laug.

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hooray

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Also I have launched a rival service for imaginary irritating words for no apparent reason

https://accumulationofthings.com/vexigram/

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Vexigram is a baroque word epiphany service. Receive a single unique imaginary word, personally invented by our resident wordsmith and delivered to you anywhere in the world, for as little (or as much) as £3 a word.

Order A Vexigram Today

A single word on a piece of card, delivered direct to you, anywhere in the world. What will your word mean? It will mean nothing. Nothing at all. But it will be yours, and yours alone.

Each Vexigram will be a singular term, chosen furtively from the shallow depths of the imagination, written relatively neatly in ink on card, and sent out to you via the intricate mesh of postal services across the world.

Intended simply to perplex and confound the recipient via the absence of meaning, Vexigrams are a gift that remind us all, even if only fleetingly, of the limits of language. Every Vexigram shall be as exasperating to say as it is to hear, see, read, or use.

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Fluently Avoided Quivocations

Q. What exactly is a Vexigram again?
A. It’s an imaginary word, written on a piece of card. Nothing more, nothing less.

Q. Imaginary how?
A. I made it up.

Q. But why?
A. It is what I do.

Q. What is the purpose of this service?
A. There is no purpose to this service beyond a need to exasperate you all, and also an excess of cards and envelopes currently in my possession.

Q. What guarantees can you provide concerning the quality of the words this service provides?
A. All these words will be as close to suggesting meaning as it is possible to do so without actually containing any meaning at all (except that which you supply yourself). They shall also hopefully be spelled entirely correctly, though as they are imaginary who can ever say whether that’s the case or not.

Q. What language do the words come in?
A. From just beyond the fringes of my own vocabulary, wherever that may be.

Q. Will the words be offensive and/or slightly unsettling in some way?
A. No. Yes. Perhaps. Maybe.

Q. How will I be able to tell that I have purchased a genuine Vexigram and not a Lexigram by mistake?
A. It is impossible. Unless you consult a dictionary and/or the recesses of your own mind.

Q. Will I own the word once I have received it?
A. Yes. It will be yours forever, until such a time as you use it in conversation or writing and someone else mistakenly sees in it enough meaning to use themselves at some later time.

Q. What will I actually be able to do with this word?
A. Nothing at all. I neither condone nor encourage their use.

Q. Will the word come with any explanation of its meaning or possible usage in a sentence?
A. Yes.

Q. Will it also come with any guarantee that it is definitely an imaginary word and not just some cheap copy of an already existent one by a charlatan peddling real words as imaginary for profit and or mischief?
A. No.

Q. Will you just re-use the same word over and over again to save on costs?
A. No. That would make no sense at all.

Q. What if I like the word?
A. You won’t. Vexigrams are supposed to be disliked by all.

Q. I might!
A. In which case I will apologise and also feel bad for quite some time at such an egregious mistake.

Q. How long will it take for my word to arrive?
A. All words are sent directly from England, so the nearer you are to there, the shorter it’ll be. Within a week and not as long as a month, I hope.

Q. What happens if my word does not arrive?
A. We shall celebrate its loss together. Also I’ll send you another one.

Q. £3? For an imaginary word?
A. £3, for an imaginary word.

Q. I couldn’t even make up my own word for that!
A. And even if you could, you wouldn’t receive it through the post (unless you wrote it down and sent it to yourself for some reason).

Q. It’s still too little! I want to pay increasingly huge sums of money for them for some reason!
A. That is very kind of you, but unfortunately I cannot accept your generosity.

Q. You can and you will.
A. Well, okay then. But only if you insist.

Q. Can I imagine my own words?
A. Yes, but please be careful.

Q. Can I imagine words for other people I know?
A. It is not advised.

Q. What is the minimum letter content of your words?
A. More than four.

Q. Why don’t you use shorter and/or shortest words?
A. They are all already taken.

Q. Can I buy more than one word?
A. You can buy as many words as you want (up to and including the full extent of the boundaries of my creativity as it is and as I understand it).

Q. Is there a discount for buying multiple words?
A. No

Q. Why not?
A. I wish to discourage the possibility of a usable language emerging unexpectedly from the pointlessness of this endeavour.

Q. How many words do you think you can make up anyway?
A. Four. No, wait, five. Yeah, five.

Q. That doesn’t sound many
A. It is more than you could ever know.

Q. What if I hate words?
A. Then you are perfect for this.

Q. Is this some sort of satire about a satire about NFTs that you denied was a satire about NFTs in the first place?
A. Vexigrams are a joke about so many things it is impossible to name them all.

Q. Will you be using any of the forbidden phonemes?
A. Only if you decide to enunciate them.

Q. What exactly are the forbidden phonemes anyway?
A. Those beyond the distinction of my own ears, the perception of my own mind, and the abilities of my own tongue.

Q. You’re really missing out. Those are my favourite ones!
A. There is so much in this world that I shall never be permitted to know. Yet never shall I lament its existence.

[blombluss]

It gets even better! *applause*

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Thank you.

Also thank to n3tas other david for purchasing a vexigram. It has been written, eneveloped, sent. I hope it finds you soon

[Gravid]

I am excited to discover a new word.

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I hope it is useful in many possible ways