A Cast Of Characters
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Heh! Loikes it! Also - accurate sentiments.
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Tales From The Town #188: On the Existence Of Hedgehogs
“Do you think hedgehogs actually exist?” Claire asked. “Because I don’t think hedgehogs exist AT ALL!”
This question/declaration of Claire’s had nothing to do with anything anyone had said or that anyone was doing, but it seemed overwhelmingly important to Claire at that precise moment in time. She’d been thinking about this a lot.
“Of course they exist,” said Tina. “Why wouldn’t they exist?”
“Because I’ve never seen one.”
“You have,” Ethel said. “We all have.”
“I haven’t,” said Claire.
“Well I have,” said Ethel. “In the garden.”
“Prove it,” said Claire.
“You prove it,” said Ethel.
“That’s not how proof works,” said Claire.
“You’re not how proof works,” said Ethel.
“I saw two hedgehogs once,” said Daniel.
“You haven’t,” said Claire.
“They were getting married,” said Daniel.
“They weren’t!”
“They had FOUR babies!” said Daniel. “And a nephew.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Claire, kicking the pieces off the Monopoly board and storming out of the room before anyone remembered she hadn’t paid off any of her recently declared debts.
“Do you think hedgehogs actually exist?” Claire asked. “Because I don’t think hedgehogs exist AT ALL!”
This question/declaration of Claire’s had nothing to do with anything anyone had said or that anyone was doing, but it seemed overwhelmingly important to Claire at that precise moment in time. She’d been thinking about this a lot.
“Of course they exist,” said Tina. “Why wouldn’t they exist?”
“Because I’ve never seen one.”
“You have,” Ethel said. “We all have.”
“I haven’t,” said Claire.
“Well I have,” said Ethel. “In the garden.”
“Prove it,” said Claire.
“You prove it,” said Ethel.
“That’s not how proof works,” said Claire.
“You’re not how proof works,” said Ethel.
“I saw two hedgehogs once,” said Daniel.
“You haven’t,” said Claire.
“They were getting married,” said Daniel.
“They weren’t!”
“They had FOUR babies!” said Daniel. “And a nephew.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Claire, kicking the pieces off the Monopoly board and storming out of the room before anyone remembered she hadn’t paid off any of her recently declared debts.
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Tales From The Town #189: Nostalgia Is The Yearning For Times And Places You Never Actually Liked At The Time
Antoine looked out of the window of his new flat above the chip shop, staring at the sea and the beach and the mist and the sky with a feeling of ever so slight wistfulness. It was nice having running water and a kitchen and a fridge and a bed that wasn’t filled with sand, but sometimes he missed his old cave.
He missed the mermaid. He missed the sounds of the sea. He missed the campfire. He even missed the crabs occasionally, sometimes, maybe.
“Your new flat’s the best flat ever, Dad,” Claire said, eating her second portion of chips of the day already and the day wasn’t even finished yet by far. “So much nicer than that stinky old cave. There’s not even any gulls stealing our chips!”
“And it’s right next to an arcade!” Daniel said, as he counted out various 2 and 10 pence pieces from the pint glass filled with coins Antoine had forgotten to hide before they came round today.
“And right next to another, slightly more expensive, arcade!” said Ethel, as she counted out the 20s and 50s and pounds, piling them all up into nicely precarious towers all over the table. “We only need another 7,000 prize tickets and we can win something that almost looks like a pokemon but which isn’t a pokemon at all.”
“It’s something even better than a pokemon!” said Daniel, his eyes wide with absolutely astounded wonder that such a thing could exist.
“And it’s opposite the bookshop,” said Tina, running her fingers over the gold embossed lettering on the cover of the book she’d just bought. Not that gold embossed lettering was important, of course. Books were all about the content, and it was entirely coincidental that the book she’d really wanted for months just happened to have gold embossed lettering on the cover. But they felt so nice. And looked amazing.
“I do kind of miss all those naughty crabs, though,” Daniel said.
“Me too,” Antoine agreed.
“Yeah, those crabs were great,” said Ethel.
“The way they’d scuttle about all over everything,” Tina said.
“And pinch us with their claws!” Daniel said.
“I don’t miss them at all,” Claire said. “We all hated those horrible little crabs and you all know it! Don’t even try and pretend we didn’t because we did. All of us.”
“I didn’t,” said Antoine, weakly.
“You did, Dad,” Claire said. “You hated them the most out of any of us!”
And that was that. Claire was right and they knew it and they hated it. So no one ever mentioned the crabs ever again.
Antoine looked out of the window of his new flat above the chip shop, staring at the sea and the beach and the mist and the sky with a feeling of ever so slight wistfulness. It was nice having running water and a kitchen and a fridge and a bed that wasn’t filled with sand, but sometimes he missed his old cave.
He missed the mermaid. He missed the sounds of the sea. He missed the campfire. He even missed the crabs occasionally, sometimes, maybe.
“Your new flat’s the best flat ever, Dad,” Claire said, eating her second portion of chips of the day already and the day wasn’t even finished yet by far. “So much nicer than that stinky old cave. There’s not even any gulls stealing our chips!”
“And it’s right next to an arcade!” Daniel said, as he counted out various 2 and 10 pence pieces from the pint glass filled with coins Antoine had forgotten to hide before they came round today.
“And right next to another, slightly more expensive, arcade!” said Ethel, as she counted out the 20s and 50s and pounds, piling them all up into nicely precarious towers all over the table. “We only need another 7,000 prize tickets and we can win something that almost looks like a pokemon but which isn’t a pokemon at all.”
“It’s something even better than a pokemon!” said Daniel, his eyes wide with absolutely astounded wonder that such a thing could exist.
“And it’s opposite the bookshop,” said Tina, running her fingers over the gold embossed lettering on the cover of the book she’d just bought. Not that gold embossed lettering was important, of course. Books were all about the content, and it was entirely coincidental that the book she’d really wanted for months just happened to have gold embossed lettering on the cover. But they felt so nice. And looked amazing.
“I do kind of miss all those naughty crabs, though,” Daniel said.
“Me too,” Antoine agreed.
“Yeah, those crabs were great,” said Ethel.
“The way they’d scuttle about all over everything,” Tina said.
“And pinch us with their claws!” Daniel said.
“I don’t miss them at all,” Claire said. “We all hated those horrible little crabs and you all know it! Don’t even try and pretend we didn’t because we did. All of us.”
“I didn’t,” said Antoine, weakly.
“You did, Dad,” Claire said. “You hated them the most out of any of us!”
And that was that. Claire was right and they knew it and they hated it. So no one ever mentioned the crabs ever again.
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Both of demz are very nice work, sir!
Also: Based on her work with the Monopoly board, Claire should be made chancellor!
Also: Based on her work with the Monopoly board, Claire should be made chancellor!
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Tales From The Town #190: The End (Of Summer)
You’d never think you’d miss it when it was gone, Agnes thought. But there was no sound more forlorn than the last few desperate cries for attention from the ice cream van before it accepted its fate and settled down for its annual hibernation.
You’d never think you’d miss it when it was gone, Agnes thought. But there was no sound more forlorn than the last few desperate cries for attention from the ice cream van before it accepted its fate and settled down for its annual hibernation.
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Tales From The Town #191: In The Basement In The Bookshop
In the basement in the bookshop you could find: the science fiction books, the fantasy novels, the fairy tale collections, the folk lore compendiums, pamphlets of poetry, artists’ manifestos, dissidents’ diaries, and the shelf full of sale items with torn covers and tattered spines. There was even a comfy old armchair, and occasionally a cat, but never, of course, anyone else at all.
Eleonora never told anyone this was where she spent every lunch hour, It was her own secret den, an oasis all to herself in the middle of an endless desert of days of despair.
In the basement in the bookshop you could find: the science fiction books, the fantasy novels, the fairy tale collections, the folk lore compendiums, pamphlets of poetry, artists’ manifestos, dissidents’ diaries, and the shelf full of sale items with torn covers and tattered spines. There was even a comfy old armchair, and occasionally a cat, but never, of course, anyone else at all.
Eleonora never told anyone this was where she spent every lunch hour, It was her own secret den, an oasis all to herself in the middle of an endless desert of days of despair.
Re: A Cast Of Characters
That is definitely where I would spend my lunch hour if i could
Re: A Cast Of Characters
It is where I would spend every hour.
Re: A Cast Of Characters
:'(dng wrote: Sat Sep 28, 2024 12:26 pm Tales From The Town #190: The End (Of Summer)
You’d never think you’d miss it when it was gone, Agnes thought. But there was no sound more forlorn than the last few desperate cries for attention from the ice cream van before it accepted its fate and settled down for its annual hibernation.
I might set up a charity for ice cream vans, now. Just to help them get through the winter, like.
Also - hurrah!
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Tales From The Town #192: Matches Of The Days
1. The Old Game
“Urgh, why do we have to play football again,” Claire said, as she stood near the goal (but not actually in the goal) with her hand up waiting for someone to pass her the ball so she could kick the ball into the goal as hard as she could. “I hate football.”
“Because the only ball we have left is the football,” Tina said, passing the football carefully away from Claire and over towards Ethel who wasn’t very near the goal at all and also didn’t have her hand up.
“Someone threw all the other balls down the well,” Ethel added, as she passed the ball nowhere near Claire even though she was quite near Claire and all the way over to Daniel instead who was miles away and not even looking.
“Including the football,” Claire said proudly. “So where did this one come from?”
“I found it in a bush,” Daniel said as he jumped over the ball and then ran round it in a circle for some reason before dribbling all the way back towards Claire and then he stopped and ran around it in a circle again then jumped over the ball once more just for good measure.
“What bush?” Claire asked, not looking at the ball any more but at Daniel who she was talking to.
“The football bush,” said Daniel. “Where the footballs live.”
“There’s no such bush,” Claire said.
“There is,” said Daniel, as he booted the ball past Claire while she was distracted and into the goal, and then out of the goal, because there wasn’t any nets up in the goal, so it went flying straight into the bush behind the goal (that Claire was near ((but not actually in)). “It’s that bush,” Daniel added, who then did a little dance.
“Urgh,” Claire said, her head dropping in despair as she trudged off to get the ball (out of the bush (behind the goal (that she wasn’t even in))). “I hate football so much.”
2. The New Game
“I’ve invented a new game,” Claire announced, when she came back with the ball, several minutes of grumbling later. “Daniel, you go and stand over there.”
Daniel went and stood over there.
“And Tina and Ethel, you also go and stand over there,” Claire said.
Tina and Ethel also went and stood over there.
“And now I turn around and boot the ball over there,” Claire said.
Claire turned around and booted the ball all the way over there, as far away from everyone else as possible, and they all watched the ball as it bounced over the fence, and then ran down the hill, and then rolled into the road, and then a car hit the ball, and the ball went flying across to the other side of the road, and then a truck coming the other way hit the ball, and the ball flew back across to the first side of the road, and then a bus hit the ball, and this time the ball exploded.
That was the end of the game.
1. The Old Game
“Urgh, why do we have to play football again,” Claire said, as she stood near the goal (but not actually in the goal) with her hand up waiting for someone to pass her the ball so she could kick the ball into the goal as hard as she could. “I hate football.”
“Because the only ball we have left is the football,” Tina said, passing the football carefully away from Claire and over towards Ethel who wasn’t very near the goal at all and also didn’t have her hand up.
“Someone threw all the other balls down the well,” Ethel added, as she passed the ball nowhere near Claire even though she was quite near Claire and all the way over to Daniel instead who was miles away and not even looking.
“Including the football,” Claire said proudly. “So where did this one come from?”
“I found it in a bush,” Daniel said as he jumped over the ball and then ran round it in a circle for some reason before dribbling all the way back towards Claire and then he stopped and ran around it in a circle again then jumped over the ball once more just for good measure.
“What bush?” Claire asked, not looking at the ball any more but at Daniel who she was talking to.
“The football bush,” said Daniel. “Where the footballs live.”
“There’s no such bush,” Claire said.
“There is,” said Daniel, as he booted the ball past Claire while she was distracted and into the goal, and then out of the goal, because there wasn’t any nets up in the goal, so it went flying straight into the bush behind the goal (that Claire was near ((but not actually in)). “It’s that bush,” Daniel added, who then did a little dance.
“Urgh,” Claire said, her head dropping in despair as she trudged off to get the ball (out of the bush (behind the goal (that she wasn’t even in))). “I hate football so much.”
2. The New Game
“I’ve invented a new game,” Claire announced, when she came back with the ball, several minutes of grumbling later. “Daniel, you go and stand over there.”
Daniel went and stood over there.
“And Tina and Ethel, you also go and stand over there,” Claire said.
Tina and Ethel also went and stood over there.
“And now I turn around and boot the ball over there,” Claire said.
Claire turned around and booted the ball all the way over there, as far away from everyone else as possible, and they all watched the ball as it bounced over the fence, and then ran down the hill, and then rolled into the road, and then a car hit the ball, and the ball went flying across to the other side of the road, and then a truck coming the other way hit the ball, and the ball flew back across to the first side of the road, and then a bus hit the ball, and this time the ball exploded.
That was the end of the game.
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Excellent! 
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Tales From The Town #193: An Episode Entirely About The Cat
The cat stretched out her legs, dug her claws as hard as she could into lap she was on, then went back to sleep with a very contented purr.
The cat stretched out her legs, dug her claws as hard as she could into lap she was on, then went back to sleep with a very contented purr.
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Tales From The Town #194: Facts About… Halloween!!!!!
Panel 1: Facts About… Halloween!!!!! (all caps, with spooky dop shadows and a quintuple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!!!” written in a blood red and slightly haunted font that continually drips blood. Also Claire’s face is orange for some reason)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s orange face – “Halloween?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s orange face – “Holloween more like!”
Please Note: If you would like to carve Facts About… With Claire! into a pumpkin please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire for the necessary and specific permissions that only Claire can grant.
*****
“I don’t get it,” said Daniel.
“Because you’re stupid,” Claire said. “Everyone else gets it.”
“I don’t get it either,” said Ethel.
“Yeah, I’m not sure I really do, either, Claire,” Tina said.
“Urgh,” said Claire. “It’s a pun. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to everyone.”
“Yes, but a pun about what?” Tina asked.
“About halloween!” Claire shouted. “Hollow sounds a bit like hallow, right?”
“Yeah, but… what does hollowness have to do with halloween?” Tina asked.
“Hollow like a pumpkin!” Claire said. “I even coloured my face in orange so it was obvious.”
“We just thought that was how your face always looks,” Ethel said. “Due to Wotsits!”
“Shut up, Ethel!” Claire said. “Anyway, I’d like to see any of you come up with a better joke that is also a fact that fits the theme of the comic strip for this week, once a week, every week, for ever! It’s not easy at all. It takes me absolutely ages to even come up with one of these.”
“Claire’s comic strip?” Ethel said. “Claire’s moronic strip more like!”
“That’s not a fact,” Claire said. “It’s an opinion.”
“Ghosts?” Tina ventured. “NO-sts more like!” She looked up at Claire’s intense unblinking stare for a few moments, before feeling that maybe she needed to offer up an explanation for the joke just in case. “Because, you know, there’s no such thing as ghosts.”
“Obviously,” said Claire. “But I can’t just be printing everyday facts in the comic strip. They need to be funny.”
“Mine was funny,” Tina said.
“No it wasn’t,” Claire said. “It was clever. No one wants to read comic strips that are clever. No one.”
“Anna does,” Ethel said.
“Exactly,” said Claire. “And Anna’s an idiot.”
“And Dad does,” Tina said.
“Dad’s comic strips are stupid,” said Claire. “And boring. No one even knows what they’re about.” She stared at her two sisters with a look of triumph on her face. “So anyway, I think this has all proved that I’m the best at writing comics and everyone else is the worst. I WIN!”
“You can’t win at comic strips,” Tina said. “That’s not how comic strips work.”
“You can’t win at comic strips,” Claire said. “Whereas I definitely ca-”
“Oh, I get it now,” Daniel suddenly said.
“What?” Claire said.
“”Pumpkins? Plumpkins more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up, Daniel,” Claire said. “I’ve already won.”
“Treat or treat! Trick or eat more like!” Daniel said.
“Daniel!”
“October? Shocktober more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up!”
“Werewolves? Scarewolves more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut u-”
“Ghostly slime? Mostly lime more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut-”
“Hula hoops? Cthulhu hoops more like!” Daniel said.
“Shu-”
“Bonfire night? Bonfire fright more like!” Daniel said.
“Sh-”
“Vampires? Hampires more like!” Daniel said.
“S-”
“Frankenstein’s monster? Frankenstein’s imposter more like!” Daniel said.
“Sh-”
“Ghouls? Fools more like!” Daniel said.
“Shu-”
“Spooktacular? Shoot Dracula more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut-”
“Skeletons? Smellytons more like!!” Daniel said.
“Shut u-”
“Superheroes? Superweirdos more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up-”
“Eyeballs? Cryballs more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up!”
“Cats? Bats more like!” Daniel said, before quickly adding, “Bats? Cats more like!”
“SHUT UP!” Claire said. “Daniel, you’re ruining everything. You need to stop.”
“But I’ve only just started,” said Daniel. “Fireworks? Direworks more like! Clowns? Frowns more like! Mannequins? Mannelimbs more like! A haunted house? A haunted mouse more like! Ravens? Rave-offs more like! Spider webs? Cider legs more like! Slugs? Mugs more like! Zombies? Wrongbies more like! Autumn? Boretumn more like! Headless horsemen? Headless norsemen more like! Half term? Scarf term more like! Hedgehogs? Hedgedogs more like! Halloween? Halloscream more like!”
“Why is he so good at this?” Claire sat down and moaned. “It’s so unfair!"
Panel 1: Facts About… Halloween!!!!! (all caps, with spooky dop shadows and a quintuple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!!!” written in a blood red and slightly haunted font that continually drips blood. Also Claire’s face is orange for some reason)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s orange face – “Halloween?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s orange face – “Holloween more like!”
Please Note: If you would like to carve Facts About… With Claire! into a pumpkin please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire for the necessary and specific permissions that only Claire can grant.
*****
“I don’t get it,” said Daniel.
“Because you’re stupid,” Claire said. “Everyone else gets it.”
“I don’t get it either,” said Ethel.
“Yeah, I’m not sure I really do, either, Claire,” Tina said.
“Urgh,” said Claire. “It’s a pun. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to everyone.”
“Yes, but a pun about what?” Tina asked.
“About halloween!” Claire shouted. “Hollow sounds a bit like hallow, right?”
“Yeah, but… what does hollowness have to do with halloween?” Tina asked.
“Hollow like a pumpkin!” Claire said. “I even coloured my face in orange so it was obvious.”
“We just thought that was how your face always looks,” Ethel said. “Due to Wotsits!”
“Shut up, Ethel!” Claire said. “Anyway, I’d like to see any of you come up with a better joke that is also a fact that fits the theme of the comic strip for this week, once a week, every week, for ever! It’s not easy at all. It takes me absolutely ages to even come up with one of these.”
“Claire’s comic strip?” Ethel said. “Claire’s moronic strip more like!”
“That’s not a fact,” Claire said. “It’s an opinion.”
“Ghosts?” Tina ventured. “NO-sts more like!” She looked up at Claire’s intense unblinking stare for a few moments, before feeling that maybe she needed to offer up an explanation for the joke just in case. “Because, you know, there’s no such thing as ghosts.”
“Obviously,” said Claire. “But I can’t just be printing everyday facts in the comic strip. They need to be funny.”
“Mine was funny,” Tina said.
“No it wasn’t,” Claire said. “It was clever. No one wants to read comic strips that are clever. No one.”
“Anna does,” Ethel said.
“Exactly,” said Claire. “And Anna’s an idiot.”
“And Dad does,” Tina said.
“Dad’s comic strips are stupid,” said Claire. “And boring. No one even knows what they’re about.” She stared at her two sisters with a look of triumph on her face. “So anyway, I think this has all proved that I’m the best at writing comics and everyone else is the worst. I WIN!”
“You can’t win at comic strips,” Tina said. “That’s not how comic strips work.”
“You can’t win at comic strips,” Claire said. “Whereas I definitely ca-”
“Oh, I get it now,” Daniel suddenly said.
“What?” Claire said.
“”Pumpkins? Plumpkins more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up, Daniel,” Claire said. “I’ve already won.”
“Treat or treat! Trick or eat more like!” Daniel said.
“Daniel!”
“October? Shocktober more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up!”
“Werewolves? Scarewolves more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut u-”
“Ghostly slime? Mostly lime more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut-”
“Hula hoops? Cthulhu hoops more like!” Daniel said.
“Shu-”
“Bonfire night? Bonfire fright more like!” Daniel said.
“Sh-”
“Vampires? Hampires more like!” Daniel said.
“S-”
“Frankenstein’s monster? Frankenstein’s imposter more like!” Daniel said.
“Sh-”
“Ghouls? Fools more like!” Daniel said.
“Shu-”
“Spooktacular? Shoot Dracula more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut-”
“Skeletons? Smellytons more like!!” Daniel said.
“Shut u-”
“Superheroes? Superweirdos more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up-”
“Eyeballs? Cryballs more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up!”
“Cats? Bats more like!” Daniel said, before quickly adding, “Bats? Cats more like!”
“SHUT UP!” Claire said. “Daniel, you’re ruining everything. You need to stop.”
“But I’ve only just started,” said Daniel. “Fireworks? Direworks more like! Clowns? Frowns more like! Mannequins? Mannelimbs more like! A haunted house? A haunted mouse more like! Ravens? Rave-offs more like! Spider webs? Cider legs more like! Slugs? Mugs more like! Zombies? Wrongbies more like! Autumn? Boretumn more like! Headless horsemen? Headless norsemen more like! Half term? Scarf term more like! Hedgehogs? Hedgedogs more like! Halloween? Halloscream more like!”
“Why is he so good at this?” Claire sat down and moaned. “It’s so unfair!"
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Daniel is my hero and inspiration!
Also - lovely stuff, Sir!
Also - lovely stuff, Sir!
Re: A Cast Of Characters
Here's a pointless bonus Facts About special for halloween that I'm posting now because it's half term so my nieces and nephews will be here on actual halloween and i'll forget
Tales From The Town #195: “Facts About….” WITH DANIEL!!!! (A Halloween Special)
Panel 1: Facts About… Conkers!!!!! (the words “with Daniel” are written below in all caps, while the “o” in conkers has been made to look like a conker. Below all that there’s a full portrait picture of Daniel swirling his long hair that is like a viking’s hair around)
Panel 2: Daniel is now also swirling a conker around on a piece of string – “Conkers?”
Panel 3: Daniel is now upside down and also in the middle of what looks like an explosion. Who knows where the conker has gone – “BONKERS!!!”
Please Note: The “Facts About” format is owned by Claire and if you would like to publish your own verified facts in comic strip form please send £1 in licensing fees to Claire at claire@claire.claire
______
“What the hell is this, Daniel?” Claire shouted, holding Daniel’s comic strip in one hand and then furiously jabbing at it with the other.
“It’s… BONKERS!!!” said Daniel.
“Yeah, well, maybe, but it’s not about Halloween at all,” Claire said.
“I know,” said Daniel. “It’s about conkers.”
“You were supposed to be writing about Halloween, Daniel!” Claire said. “I told you to write about Halloween!”
“But I love conkers,” Daniel said. “Because they’re BONKERS!”
“Maybe they are,” Claire said. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re upside down in that last panel. And in the middle of an explosion.”
“An explosion,” said Daniel, leaning over to point at his drawing to explain its intricacies. “And an implosion. The outer one is the explosion and the inner one is the implosion.”
“I see,” Claire said. “Well, whatever, Daniel, it’s your pound. Now pay up.”
She held out her hand to accept her licensing fee from Daniel, who reached into his pocket, withdrew a nice shining £1 coin that he’d spent all morning shining up just for this occasion, and then flicked it up into the air for her to catch, although Claire didn’t catch it, but dropped it, ineptly, and then they both watched as it hit the floor and rolled all the way between both of their legs, past the cat, and then into a cobweb in the corner at the back under the desk that had been there for as long as they could remember, even though none of them had ever seen a spider in their room, not ever.
“Why are you paying Claire, Daniel?” Tina asked, as she rolled her chair back so that Claire could reach into the cobweb to retrieve her payment.”Shouldn’t she be paying you?”
“Yeah, Claire didn’t do anything except complain,” Ethel said. She was sitting on the window ledge for some reason. “Why’s she the one getting paid?”
“Because I’m the editor,” said Claire, emerging from beneath the desk with some cobwebs in her hair and a pound coin in her hand and a spider crawling all over her jumper. “That’s the most important job of all.”
“And I’m an author now!” Daniel said excitedly, doing a backflip onto his bed to prove it. “I’m going to be so rich!”
PS: After this story finished everyone was killed by the spider because it was Halloween. THE END
Tales From The Town #195: “Facts About….” WITH DANIEL!!!! (A Halloween Special)
Panel 1: Facts About… Conkers!!!!! (the words “with Daniel” are written below in all caps, while the “o” in conkers has been made to look like a conker. Below all that there’s a full portrait picture of Daniel swirling his long hair that is like a viking’s hair around)
Panel 2: Daniel is now also swirling a conker around on a piece of string – “Conkers?”
Panel 3: Daniel is now upside down and also in the middle of what looks like an explosion. Who knows where the conker has gone – “BONKERS!!!”
Please Note: The “Facts About” format is owned by Claire and if you would like to publish your own verified facts in comic strip form please send £1 in licensing fees to Claire at claire@claire.claire
______
“What the hell is this, Daniel?” Claire shouted, holding Daniel’s comic strip in one hand and then furiously jabbing at it with the other.
“It’s… BONKERS!!!” said Daniel.
“Yeah, well, maybe, but it’s not about Halloween at all,” Claire said.
“I know,” said Daniel. “It’s about conkers.”
“You were supposed to be writing about Halloween, Daniel!” Claire said. “I told you to write about Halloween!”
“But I love conkers,” Daniel said. “Because they’re BONKERS!”
“Maybe they are,” Claire said. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re upside down in that last panel. And in the middle of an explosion.”
“An explosion,” said Daniel, leaning over to point at his drawing to explain its intricacies. “And an implosion. The outer one is the explosion and the inner one is the implosion.”
“I see,” Claire said. “Well, whatever, Daniel, it’s your pound. Now pay up.”
She held out her hand to accept her licensing fee from Daniel, who reached into his pocket, withdrew a nice shining £1 coin that he’d spent all morning shining up just for this occasion, and then flicked it up into the air for her to catch, although Claire didn’t catch it, but dropped it, ineptly, and then they both watched as it hit the floor and rolled all the way between both of their legs, past the cat, and then into a cobweb in the corner at the back under the desk that had been there for as long as they could remember, even though none of them had ever seen a spider in their room, not ever.
“Why are you paying Claire, Daniel?” Tina asked, as she rolled her chair back so that Claire could reach into the cobweb to retrieve her payment.”Shouldn’t she be paying you?”
“Yeah, Claire didn’t do anything except complain,” Ethel said. She was sitting on the window ledge for some reason. “Why’s she the one getting paid?”
“Because I’m the editor,” said Claire, emerging from beneath the desk with some cobwebs in her hair and a pound coin in her hand and a spider crawling all over her jumper. “That’s the most important job of all.”
“And I’m an author now!” Daniel said excitedly, doing a backflip onto his bed to prove it. “I’m going to be so rich!”
PS: After this story finished everyone was killed by the spider because it was Halloween. THE END
Re: A Cast Of Characters
PPS: Then the cat ate the spider.
PPPS: Also Ethel was a vampire in this story.
PPPPS: That’s why she was sitting on the windowledge.
PPPPPS: Daniel! Stop adding things to the end of this story! It’s confusing!
PPPPPPS: No it’s not. It’s unconfusing! Now everyone knows what happens after the story ended.
PPPPPPPS: But no one cares what happens after the story ended. I got my money, and that’s the entire point of the story!
PPPPPPPPS: Did you know, that that pound coin was haunted?!!!!!!!
PPPPPPPPPS: Stop ruining everything, Daniel. There’s no such thing as a haunted pound coin!
PPPPPPPPPPS: Also Tina is a werewolf!
PPPPPPPPPPPS: Daniel, I’m warning you, if you don’t shut up right now I’m never letting you write another comic strip ever again!
PPPPPPPPPPPPS: Mum is also a werewolf. From space!
PPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (The comic strip has now been thrown in the bin)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPS (Doors have been slammed)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (Daniel’s pound has not been returned)
PPPS: Also Ethel was a vampire in this story.
PPPPS: That’s why she was sitting on the windowledge.
PPPPPS: Daniel! Stop adding things to the end of this story! It’s confusing!
PPPPPPS: No it’s not. It’s unconfusing! Now everyone knows what happens after the story ended.
PPPPPPPS: But no one cares what happens after the story ended. I got my money, and that’s the entire point of the story!
PPPPPPPPS: Did you know, that that pound coin was haunted?!!!!!!!
PPPPPPPPPS: Stop ruining everything, Daniel. There’s no such thing as a haunted pound coin!
PPPPPPPPPPS: Also Tina is a werewolf!
PPPPPPPPPPPS: Daniel, I’m warning you, if you don’t shut up right now I’m never letting you write another comic strip ever again!
PPPPPPPPPPPPS: Mum is also a werewolf. From space!
PPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (The comic strip has now been thrown in the bin)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPS (Doors have been slammed)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (Daniel’s pound has not been returned)
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Finally, a Halloween tale that meets my needs! Hurrah!
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Tale #196: On Bonfires
Flames in the night are an evocative thing.
We look into them
and see
Flames in the night are an evocative thing.
We look into them
and see
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Tales From The Town #197: The Sad Clown
The sad clown wasn’t sad at all. His frown was painted on, and his tears were all for show.
No one trusted a happy man. Smiles, good cheer, friendliness, it all made everyone feel uncomfortable. It just wasn’t worth the hassle.
So now he lived his lie
all alone
in the silence and solitude
of his own happy home.
The sad clown wasn’t sad at all. His frown was painted on, and his tears were all for show.
No one trusted a happy man. Smiles, good cheer, friendliness, it all made everyone feel uncomfortable. It just wasn’t worth the hassle.
So now he lived his lie
all alone
in the silence and solitude
of his own happy home.
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Tales From The Town #198: The Motorbikeists
They streamed into town, one sunday afternoon, and occupied the car park as if it was their own. Then they all streamed out of town, that same sunday afternoon, an hour before dusk.
It was like a dream, or a fever. There was no way to tell if they’d ever even been there. By the next morning even the discarded chip wrappers were gone.
They streamed into town, one sunday afternoon, and occupied the car park as if it was their own. Then they all streamed out of town, that same sunday afternoon, an hour before dusk.
It was like a dream, or a fever. There was no way to tell if they’d ever even been there. By the next morning even the discarded chip wrappers were gone.
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Tales From The Town #199: Little Gate
The hedgerows had all died off long ago, and now the little gate at the end of the lane was a portal to nowhere. Every morning on their way to school, Daniel went through it, Ethel went over it, Tina went round it, and Claire insulted its stupid existence, every time, without fail.
But the little gate went on existing, regardless. It would, in time, outlive us all. Outlive the lane, outlive the town, outlive time itself.
The hedgerows had all died off long ago, and now the little gate at the end of the lane was a portal to nowhere. Every morning on their way to school, Daniel went through it, Ethel went over it, Tina went round it, and Claire insulted its stupid existence, every time, without fail.
But the little gate went on existing, regardless. It would, in time, outlive us all. Outlive the lane, outlive the town, outlive time itself.
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i shoudl probably write something good and exciting for the 200th episode
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200th episode? Poo hundreth crapisode more like!
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These are most good, espesh Tale #197 and Tale #199.
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Good, exciting, insightful, hilarious, heart-breaking, and politically dangerous...dng wrote: Sat Nov 02, 2024 1:46 pm i shoudl probably write something good and exciting for the 200th episode
No pressure.
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Words And Pictures Of Words
When I was young I used to have close to perfect spelling.
Whenever I spoke I would see the word in my head as I said it, in nice clean large print, as if it was one of those cards we used to use at primary school to learn key words, or the highlighted text in a Ladybird book which for some reason contained every word I ever needed to say, no matter how obscure and arcane. If there was a word I couldn’t spell, I tried my best not to have to say it, warping sentences simply to cover my discomfort, disquiet, outright shame.
I don’t do this any more. When I speak my mind shows me nothing.
And I can’t spell a fucking thing.
When I was young I used to have close to perfect spelling.
Whenever I spoke I would see the word in my head as I said it, in nice clean large print, as if it was one of those cards we used to use at primary school to learn key words, or the highlighted text in a Ladybird book which for some reason contained every word I ever needed to say, no matter how obscure and arcane. If there was a word I couldn’t spell, I tried my best not to have to say it, warping sentences simply to cover my discomfort, disquiet, outright shame.
I don’t do this any more. When I speak my mind shows me nothing.
And I can’t spell a fucking thing.
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not a tales from the town thing i just can't remember where the other thread for other things i've written was or might be
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i failed to write anything in the end. because i'm useless
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Bah! Don't be daft!
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I've never been able to see words in my noggin - I have to write 'em down, so I can see what's what and what's not!dng wrote: Tue Dec 03, 2024 5:43 pm Words And Pictures Of Words
When I was young I used to have close to perfect spelling.
Whenever I spoke I would see the word in my head as I said it, in nice clean large print, as if it was one of those cards we used to use at primary school to learn key words, or the highlighted text in a Ladybird book which for some reason contained every word I ever needed to say, no matter how obscure and arcane. If there was a word I couldn’t spell, I tried my best not to have to say it, warping sentences simply to cover my discomfort, disquiet, outright shame.
I don’t do this any more. When I speak my mind shows me nothing.
And I can’t spell a fucking thing.
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I too am forgetting how to spell a lot of words that used to come naturally to me
when childe i was correcting brother, parents, teachers...
when childe i was correcting brother, parents, teachers...
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our brains have begun to revolt at the tyrrany of bruce and his infernal dictionaries
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Only this course of action can save us now:
- Fahrenheit451.jpg (97.71 KiB) Viewed 50680 times
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That is marvellous!
Evocative, thoughtful, playful, and with a pleasing rhythm!
Evocative, thoughtful, playful, and with a pleasing rhythm!
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Tales From The Town #201: Bored/Not Bored
“I’m bored,” said Ethel.
“Not as bored as me,” said Claire. “I’m more bored than anyone has ever been, ever, anywhere, in the whole wide world. Even at school. Even in a museum.”
“I bet Daniel’s not bored,” said Tina, who was also quite bored, even if she didn’t like to admit it. “Daniel’s never bored.”
“Daniel’s too stupid to be bored,” said Claire. “And also he’s an idiot.”
“That’s not very nice, Claire,” said Daniel. “And anyway, I win.”
“What do you mean you win?” Claire said.
“The paint’s dried now,” said Daniel, pointing at the wall they were all standing in front of but which only Daniel had been looking at. It was a freshly painted lilac now. Yesterday it’d been blue or something. “You three weren’t even looking. But I was.”
“Urgh,” said Claire. “I didn’t even know we were playing.”
“Well, we were,” said Daniel. “And I won.”
“No, you didn’t,” said Claire. “Also you were cheating. I demand a rematch!”
“Claire? What are you doing?” Ethel wailed helplessly.
“Shut up, Ethel,” said Claire. “I am not losing to Daniel. Not ever.” She turned back to Daniel and loomed ominously over him as best as she could. “Come on, Daniel, it’s best of three. No wait, first to three…”
“I’m bored,” said Ethel.
“Not as bored as me,” said Claire. “I’m more bored than anyone has ever been, ever, anywhere, in the whole wide world. Even at school. Even in a museum.”
“I bet Daniel’s not bored,” said Tina, who was also quite bored, even if she didn’t like to admit it. “Daniel’s never bored.”
“Daniel’s too stupid to be bored,” said Claire. “And also he’s an idiot.”
“That’s not very nice, Claire,” said Daniel. “And anyway, I win.”
“What do you mean you win?” Claire said.
“The paint’s dried now,” said Daniel, pointing at the wall they were all standing in front of but which only Daniel had been looking at. It was a freshly painted lilac now. Yesterday it’d been blue or something. “You three weren’t even looking. But I was.”
“Urgh,” said Claire. “I didn’t even know we were playing.”
“Well, we were,” said Daniel. “And I won.”
“No, you didn’t,” said Claire. “Also you were cheating. I demand a rematch!”
“Claire? What are you doing?” Ethel wailed helplessly.
“Shut up, Ethel,” said Claire. “I am not losing to Daniel. Not ever.” She turned back to Daniel and loomed ominously over him as best as she could. “Come on, Daniel, it’s best of three. No wait, first to three…”
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That's a rather pleasing read.
I read it.
And I was pleased.
I read it.
And I was pleased.
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Tales From The Town #202: Nostalgia
“Do you remember…?” Daniel said.
“NO!” said Claire.
“But he hasn’t even asked you anything yet, Claire,” said Tina.
“I don’t care,” said Claire. “I am not thinking about the past. The past is BORING!” She picked something up off the ground and then threw it back onto the ground to prove her point. “And it’s stupid.”
“You’re stupid,” said Ethel. “You just threw a boiled egg on the ground.”
“I HATE BOILED EGGS!” said Claire. “And I hate picnics!” Claire stormed off towards the swing and then got on the swing and swung on the swing in as furious a fashion as it was possible for a girl to swing. “AND I HATE ANTS!”
“I think she does remember,” said Daniel.
“I think we all remember,” Agnes sighed, unable to forget.
“Do you remember…?” Daniel said.
“NO!” said Claire.
“But he hasn’t even asked you anything yet, Claire,” said Tina.
“I don’t care,” said Claire. “I am not thinking about the past. The past is BORING!” She picked something up off the ground and then threw it back onto the ground to prove her point. “And it’s stupid.”
“You’re stupid,” said Ethel. “You just threw a boiled egg on the ground.”
“I HATE BOILED EGGS!” said Claire. “And I hate picnics!” Claire stormed off towards the swing and then got on the swing and swung on the swing in as furious a fashion as it was possible for a girl to swing. “AND I HATE ANTS!”
“I think she does remember,” said Daniel.
“I think we all remember,” Agnes sighed, unable to forget.
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also maybe i hate picnics too, in that a bird just shat all over my back while i was sitting in the garden
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the outdoors should be banned
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re: Tales From The Town #202: Nostalgia
Hurrah for Davusses written word!
Hurrah for Davusses written word!
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Also, I don't mind picnics, but I have to be in the mood for 'em, otherwise I'd rather go to a cafe or pub.
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Picnics are always ruined by bastard wasps and other bastards
even when it's a delicious chicken picnic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXOdn6vLCuU
even when it's a delicious chicken picnic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXOdn6vLCuU
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aso i think wasps are all dead now. i barely saw any the last few years