A Cast Of Characters

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and i spend almost 90% of my life sat by the ice cream kiosks over the park

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bastard wasps most natural habitat

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aso i think wasps are all dead now. i barely saw any the last few years

that's what they want you to think

[blombluss]

We still get wasps in the Balck Country. They are lured in by the Molineux stadium colour scheme.

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I bet they're all Portuguese too

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Portuguese?!? PortuguBEES (wasps) more like!!!

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also maybe i hate picnics too, in that a bird just shat all over my back while i was sitting in the garden

oh no it happen again

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i'm never coming outside and sitting here ever again

[blombluss]

That never happened to Tippi Hedren.

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Tales From The Town #203: Thirteen Moments In May

1. Bank Holiday

It was so busy it was like an anxiety attack. Mums and dads, kids in packs, dogs having snacks, babies causing traffic jams in their two seater prams, on May Day, at the beach and in the park and all the way through the town.

The only way to escape was to swim out to sea and dream of quiet, some isolated bay without even mermaids to bother you.

2. Antoine

Antoine hovers in the record shop, a weird certainty that he bought this exact same CD the last time he was here, last year, every year.

He buys it again, just in case he’s wrong.

3. Ethel

Ethel knows that lying is wrong. But she also knows that it’s surprisingly fun.

4. Claire

Claire looked at her feet. Black leather shoes with a silver buckle, ice cream melting off the toes and onto the lush red carpet in the hallway. In time, this memory would become divorced from the moment, exist purely as an image so vivid her mind would return to it time after time for years. Red, white, black, as pure and lurid as the detail in some Baroque scene.

But right now all she could do was stand as still as can be, hold in her tears, and try not to howl out her fury and despair into the empty cone she still held in her hand.

5. Selene

Selene dreams
of spaceships
and satellites

of loneliness
and sadness
in endless utopian fields.

Disconnected memories
of the moon
and the stars

Little postcards
from the distant past.

6. Lucy

The sun shone. The wind blew. Occasional spring showers throughout the day. It was the perfect weather to stand at the end of the pier and brood.

7. The Cat

The cat stretched out in the sun, yawned, rolled over, and stretched some more.

8. Lucas

Lucas smiled at everyone that went past his mirror. He didn’t have to, but he did.

When you were a ghost, you could be as disconcerting as you pleased.

9. Eleonora

On the way home from work there was straw all across the road, and when the cars drove past it swirled and moved like waves leaving ripples in the sand. An image so oddly beautiful it seemed at odds with the mundanity of the rest of her day.

10. Daniel

Daniel was doing handstands and ignoring the news that he was no longer a boy, because of course he was a boy. He knew.

11. Tina

Upstairs in her room
Tina plans to write
the tiniest
poem
ever

12. Agnes

Her presents were mostly things she didn’t really like and already had. Her cake was a chocolate caterpillar, out of date and stale, so crumbly it was almost impossible to slice. There was no wine.

But no one argued, and no one cried, and only a couple of things got spilled all over the floor, so she counted it as one of the more successful birthdays of her entire life.

13. Bank Holiday

It was so busy it was like an anxiety attack. Mermen and mermums, merkids in their merpacks, merdogs having mersnacks, merbabies causing traffic jams in their two seater merprams, on Mer Day, out at sea and under the waves and all the way across the entire ocean.

The only way to escape was to swim in to shore and dream of quiet, some isolated cove without even humans to bother you.

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Tales From The Town #204: The Trees

They used to be jungle.
They used to be forest.
They used to be wood.
They used to be copse.

Now they were tree.
Singular.
Alone.

And soon they wouldn't even be that.

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13 (+ 1) things of real goodness - hurrah!

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Cheers

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Tales From The Town #205: Grounded

“I can’t believe we’ve all been grounded,” Claire said. “It’s so unfair.”

To emphasise her point she picked up the pillow off her bed and threw it on the floor and then stamped on it, glumly, while somehow also glowering at the others as if it was all their fault. Finally she collapsed back onto her bed and then rolled over backwards until she was sitting up against the headboard, which was kind of a weird thing to do but she did it anyway just because she could and no one could stop her.

“We’re not grounded, Claire,” Ethel said, from her perch on the window ledge. “You’re the only one that’s grounded.”

“What are you all doing up here then?”

“I’m doing my homework”, said Tina, who was sat at the desk they all shared but only she ever really used.

“Well that’s just stupid,” Claire declared.

“I’m doing a handstand, said Daniel, upside down and up against the wall.

“No you’re not,” Claire declaimed. “It doesn’t count when you lean against the wall. That’s cheating and you know it. Everyone knows it.”

“And I’m gloating,” said Ethel, as she leapt from the window ledge onto her bed and then from her bed onto Tina’s bed and then onto the other window ledge on the other side of the room without ever touching the floor.

“Floating, more like!” said Daniel as he backflipped out of his handstand and onto his feet.

“Shut up, Daniel,” Claire exclaimed. Then she straight up shouted, “And that wasn’t a backflip at all! You just sort of fell over.”

“No one said it was a backflip, Claire,” Tina said.

“Someone did,” Claire claimed. “I heard them.”

“No you didn’t,” Ethel said. “No one said anything about flipping backflips. Except you!”

“I still heard them,” said Claire. “In my head. I heard them quite clearly in there.”

“Heard who?” Tina, Ethel and Daniel all asked in eerie simultaneity.

“Them!” Claire shouted. “The one’s I can always hear.”

“Maybe it was Mum,” Tina suggested.

“Or Anna and Oya,” Ethel shrugged.

“Or the dolls,” said Daniel.

But it wasn’t them, was it, Claire? It wasn’t any of them at all.

[blombluss]

Loikes

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Tales From The Town #206: This Is Our Punk Rock

“QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQSIHGSYUEYGXEJHVSJHWWGHS!”

“What on earth is that noise?” Agnes asked, as an insistent sort of metallic shrieking shook the kitchen and presumably the rest of the house and also much of the rest of the town beyond its walls.

“It’s Claire,” said Tina. “She’s playing the trumpet.”

“Who the heck gave Claire a trumpet?!”

“Dad,” said Ethel.

“Your father gave Claire a trumpet?! What possessed him to do such a thing?”

“It’s our birthday on Monday, Mum,” said Daniel. "We're going to be TEN!"

“I know it’s your birthday on Monday, Daniel,” Agnes said. “But… a trumpet?! What did he get the rest of you? Machine guns?”

“What would we do with machine guns, Mum?” Tina asked.

“He bought us all trumpets,” Ethel explained.

“We’re forming a band,” Daniel announced, pulling a trumpet out from behind his back somehow even though Agnes could have sworn he definitely didn’t have a trumpet hidden behind his back moments earlier. “Toot!”

“Toot!” agreed Ethel.

“Toot!” Tina harmonised.

“SIHGSYUEYGXEJHVSJHWWGHSQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ!” Claire added from upstairs.

[blombluss]

Hurrah! - More trumpet stories pllease

[CandyDarling]

I think they're in hiding, waiting for their moment (in Essex)

Also I continue to enjoy your writing

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excellent, thank you both

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Tales From The Town #207: Ethel Investigates… The House!

Our house is weird. Everybody says so, especially Claire, but also everybody else. Once when we were looking at photos, we discovered a picture of the house and the house was tiny. Mum looked really happy and Dad had a beard and long hair. Now everything is different and in this essay I will try and discover why.

Bottom Floor

Kitchen

Mum sits in the kitchen and listens to the radio all day long. We don’t know why. The only explanation we can think of is she is guarding the fridge like a troll.

Living Room

The living room is full of books, toys, chairs, chargers, old photos, coffee tables, dolls, cat fur, and arguments.

Hall

The hall runs from the back porch (wellies or sandals) to the front porch (coats, shoes and scarfs), and has two sets of stairs that both go upwards for some reason, and also there are doors leading to the living room, the kitchen, the room between the kitchen and the living room, the slide under the stairs, and Luke’s mirror.

Luke’s Mirror

Luke’s Mirror hangs in the hall. It cannot be moved. Luke lives in the mirror in the past, but presumably not our past, because our house was much smaller in the past, and yet the house in the mirror is exactly the same size as it is now.

Claire once tried to explain this anomaly, but it didn’t make sense.

The Room Between The Kitchen And The Living Room

This room has ALWAYS been empty and NEVER been used for ANYTHING. Daniel once had a dream that a hen lived there and laid its eggs in the fire and that’s how phoenixes are born.

The Slide Under The Stairs

There’s a slide under the stairs. Nobody else has a slide under the stairs as far as we know.

Only Claire uses the slide under the stairs because no one else trusts the slide under the stairs nor knows where it goes.

Middle Floor

Mum’s Room

Mum’s room is very purple. It even smells of purple.

Spare Room

There is too much furniture in the spare room. Nanny sleeps in here at Christmas and the cat sleeps in here whenever she wants.

Toilet Room

This room has a toilet in it but no sink. The patterns on the wall are in red velvet that have been cut out of some red velvet wallpaper.

Sink Room

This room has a sink in it but no toilet. The patterns on the wall are cut out of the red velvet wallpaper that the walls are wallpapered in

Bathroom

Daniel calls this the bathsinkroom because it contains a bath AND a sink.

Doll’s Nest

The doll’s nest is between the walls. You get to it through a tiny door that’s so well hidden we’re the only ones that know it’s there (except for the dolls, who use it all the time).

Anna and Oya’s Room

We’re only allowed in here with permission.

Anna and Oya’s Bathroom

We’re not allowed in here at all.

Not A Room

There used to be a room on this floor that was the lodger’s room but now there’s not even a door there let alone a room. No one can explain this and even if they could you wouldn’t want them to. What if the lodger’s still in there!

Therefore we do not talk about this room.

Top Floor

Our Room

Our room has: four beds, three windows, two doors, one desk, two window ledges, three bookcases, four wardrobes, three bedside cabinets, two clocks, and one chair.

You can see the moon through the window in the ceiling sometimes and that’s the best thing about our room. The worst thing about our room is [Claire’s name has been scribbled out here].

Loft (above Top Floor)

The only things in the loft at the moment are a strange old mirror and dad’s computer chair that creaks whenever you spin round on it. Tina sometimes calls this room “the psychomanteum”, but only when Daniel’s not around now, because the first time she said it he said that sounded “spooky” and wouldn’t go up there again (until eventually he did).

Claire claims that the slide under the stairs comes out here, but it doesn’t, obviously, because that would be impossible.

Basement (below bottom floor)

The basement is found beneath the house. You have to climb down a ladder to it, which you’d think would be quite exciting, but it’s not exciting at all because it’s dark down there and full of boxes of dad’s old books and records and computers and hats and nothing else. Dad doesn’t even wear hats any more and none of his computers work.

Garden (Front)

There’s not much in the front garden. Mum once made a little kennel for the bins but it blew down.

Garden (Back)

The Tree

The tree isn’t the only tree in the garden but it is the biggest tree and by far the best. One time we saw an owl in the tree, so now we always look for the owl in the tree whenever we go out there, but we’ve never seen it again. All we ever see are crows (and pigeons).

The tree is definitely older than the house because it was already huge in the old picture of the house we found where the house was really small. Yet now the house is big and it’s the tree that looks small (but not that small).

Verandah

Only mum calls this the verandah, and only when she’s drinking tea. Otherwise it’s “the decking” or “outside the back door”, which is where we’re supposed to leave our muddy shoes but Claire never does and just stomps into the kitchen making a mess and then we all get shouted at and it’s not fair at all.

The Swing

The swing is under the tree. I probably could have put this under the tree heading too, but I didn’t, I put it here instead.

Shed

The shed is always locked. Mum says Dad has the keys. Dad denies this. Who should we believe? (Mum!)

The Well

Everyone is scared of the well, except for Claire, who is very quick to tell us she isn’t scared of the well at all, actually, she just hates it. A lot.

Garden (Round The Sides)

Weird Old Fence Panel We Lean Our Bikes Against

We lean our bikes up against this weird old fence panel that isn’t attached to any other fence panels at all. Tina says it might not even be a fence but a trellis. Now Daniel keeps saying trellis and it’s annoying.

Tap

Why’s there a tap outside?! And why’s the water so cold.

Slug Hole

This hole has slugs in it. From its position and internal trajectory, we believe the hidden slug factory within must be located somewhere beneath the verandah.

Conclusion

No one knows why our house is so big. Nanny says it used to be so small no one even knew it was there. Mum says it’s all Dad’s fault. Dad refuses to say what happened, although he did once admit that “things got out of hand” and that “he’s sorry”. Anna and Oya say it’s not that big but at least it’s quite cheap and we aren’t too annoying too often, which is nice. The dolls contradicted each other, twice. The cat just purred.

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A very pleasant yet very pleasant read.

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Tales From The Town #208: Ethel Investigates… AI!

AI is the word for what computers do. It’s like thinking, but worse. In this essay I aim to learn all about AI.

Phones

Phones have the most AI of anything, except for our phones, which don’t. Our phones also don’t have any games on them, except for that awful game about dinosaurs that Daniel likes, and Tina’s spelling game, which isn’t even a game, it’s a dictionary. (Claire’s phone is broken and now she keeps nicking my phone which is why I’m writing this with a pen.)

Robots

Robots have AI instead of brains. Perhaps this is why Daniel’s robots keep falling down the stairs.

Videogames

When you play a game against the computer the computer characters are controlled by AI. Sometimes they are good but most of the time they are not very good. But they’re still better than Claire!

Music

Dad says one of the clever things about AI is that AI knows what you like better than you know what you like. This is why Dad let’s AI choose all his music for him and everything he listens to is AWFUL.

The Thermostat

When the man came and replaced the boiler he said our new thermostat has AI in it even though Mum specifically said she wanted a thermostat without AI in it, and there was nothing he could do about it, because that’s how thermostats work now, it just is. This means that when we have a bath we never know if the water is going to be hot or cold, which is an improvement on the old thermostat, where when we had a bath the water wasn’t hot or cold but lukewarm.

Daniel really likes the word thermostat and once said thermostat so much he forgot what thermostat meant. I bet an AI couldn’t do that!

Conclusion

When asked directly about AI, Mum says AI is “bloody useless”, which is a bit rude, and Dad says AI is “the most important invention ever”, which is a bit unlikely. Oya says that she “can’t really see what it’s there for,” while Anna said it’s simply “regurgitating stolen lies”.

Tina told me AI is “antithetical to poetics”, while Claire says AI is “stupid”, and that it only beat her at chess because it was “cheating”. Daniel said that if you said AI like it was a word instead of like letters it sounds almost like you’re screaming.

The witch cackled wildly when we asked her about it. (We don’t think she understood the question.) The cat has no opinion on AI at all.

In conclusion, AI is sometimes good (according to Dad) and sometimes not (according to everyone else and all my observations).

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Best AI investigation ever! Hurrah!

[Bruce Sato]

Definitive

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https://accumulationofthings.com/things ... r-stories/

Tales From The Town #209: The Big Pigeon, and other stories

The Big Pigeon, by Daniel

The big pigeon wasn’t just big, he was huge. When he landed in the playground the whole school trembled. When he flew up into the trees it was like a hurricane passing by. When the pigeon ate dinner it ate at least seventeen times as much as a normal sized pigeon ate for dinner. No one knew why the pigeon was so big but he was that big so all anyone ever talked about was how big he was even though that was the least interesting thing about him.

The most interesting things about him are: his name (Alphonse), his age (10 million years), his favourite olympic event (wrestling)

The New Clocks, by Ethel

No one noticed the new clocks at first. They looked exactly like the old clocks. But these clocks had one crucial difference. They were… EVIL!

Episode 1: The Ever So Slight Slowing Of Time

In this episode, The New Clocks wreak havoc by making a single school day last forever. It’s up to Ethel to save the day, and by saving the day, save the world (and the summer holidays)!

Why The Last Day At School Is The Worst Day At School, by Claire

I could be at home now I could be at the park I could be at Dad’s I could be anywhere but I’m not I’m at school writing stories and it’s awful.

Simple Summer Haiku, by Tina

just to be clear
six weeks of summer rain
won’t spoil a thing

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Always a pleasure, never a chore, to read!

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in odd coincidence news, my mum and dad just came back from the zoo and told me how they'd seen the worldss biggest pigeon there

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and also its rained all day

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victoria_crowned_pigeon

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the worlds fanciest pigeon

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the worlds fanciest pigeon

FUNKYPIGEON.COM MORE LIKE!!!!

(I don't understand the point I'm making, there.)

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Tales From The Town #210: Summer Holidays – Day #1

“I’m bored,” said Claire. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

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Tales From The Town #211: Summer Holidays – Day #7

“I’m bored,” said Claire. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored – ”

“It’s stopped raining now, Claire.”

“So?” Claire said. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

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Tales From The Town #212: Summer Holidays – Day #11

“I’m bored,” said Claire. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored – ”

“Claire, we’re on a rollercoaster, Claire.”

“So?” said Claire. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored

[dng]

Tales From The Town #213: Summer Holidays – Day #22

“I’m bored,” said Claire. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored – ”

“Claire, we’ve just been fired out of a cannon directly at the moon.”

“Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

[dng]

Tales From The Town #214: Summer Holidays – Day #23

“I’m bored,” said Claire. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored – ”

“Claire, we’re on the moon!”

“So? There’s not enough to see or do on the moon,” said Claire. “At all!”

“But – ”

“Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

[dng]

Tales From The Town #215: Summer Holidays – Day #30

“I’m bored,” said Claire. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored – ”

“Claire, we’re parachuting back to Earth from the very edge of the atmosphere!”

“While wearing rocket packs!”

“We’re not wearing rocket packs, Daniel,” Claire said. “If we were maybe I wouldn’t be so bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

[dng]

Tales From The Town #216: Summer Holidays – Day #36

“I’m bored,” said Claire. “Bored bored bored bored bored bored – ”

“Claire, it’s the very last day of the summer holidays.”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!

[dng]

Tales From The Town #217: Back To School

“Why do we have to come back to stupid old school anyway?” Claire said, stomping down the stairs as loudly as she could (which was pretty loudly because she had new shoes and her new shoes were boots). “I was having fun.”

“I thought you were bored of hanging round the house all day doing nothing, Claire,” Agnes said, as she handed Claire her new school bag, which had a picture of the moon on it with the words “There’s so much to see and do on the moon!” stitched neatly and strangely jovially under a picture of the moon. The moon was smiling and so were the stars.

“Only an idiot would be bored of hanging around in the house all day doing nothing when the alternative is GOING TO SCHOOL!” said Claire. “It’s so unfair. It’s like they hate us having fun.”

“Who hates us having fun?” Tina asked (her new shoes were plimsolls and her new bag was a satchel).

“EVERYONE!” said Claire.

[dng]

imagine they have been posted slowly over the summer holidays instead of almost all at once today

[dng]

The first thing my niece said today, ten seconds after arriving, was "I'm bored"

[blombluss]

The first thing my niece said today, ten seconds after arriving, was "I'm bored"

Ha!

[blombluss]

Also - excellent!

[dng]

i've spent this afternoon trying to make my patreon page more usable/readable, whatever, and put everything (or mostly everything) on there into various categories/collections

https://www.patreon.com/c/davidguy/collections

[dng]

which isn't very interested but i did it anyway

[blombluss]

That's a most impressif collection, sir, and I applaud you!

[dng]

Tales From The Town #218: More Facts About Conkers

Game

“So have you kids ever played conkers before?” Antoine asked, opening a creaky old drawer in the most obscure corner of the kitchen.

“Conkers,” said Claire. “Is the worst game ever.”

She didn’t even emphasise any particular word in that sentence, which showed just how strongly she felt on the subject.

“Yeah,” said Ethel next to her, agreeing somewhat suspiciously with her sister for the very first time ever. “It really is.”

“Oh,” said Antoine, looking down into the drawer he’d just opened. “I thought you might like it now you’re a bit older.”

“Well we don’t,” said Claire.

“At all,” said Ethel.

“In fact, we probably hate it now more than ever.”

“Yeah!”

“If anyone ever asked us to play conkers again we’d never speak to them.”

“Ever again.”

“Not ever.”

“At all.”

“No matter what!”

“Well okay then,” Antoine said, slowly closing the drawer he’d just opened without ever actually removing anything from the drawer at all. Almost like he’d changed his mind about something. “So, er, what do you want to do this afternoon then?”

“We could get chips?” Claire suggested, slyly.

“Yeah, we haven’t had chips in ages…” Ethel said, looking somewhat wistful.

Set

“Phew, that was close,” said Claire.

“Too close,” said Ethel.

“What was close?” said Daniel, peering out from his den beneath the kitchen table. “Where’s Dad?”

“Dad’s gone to the chip shop,” said Ethel.

“He nearly made us play stupid conkers again,” said Claire.

“With what?” Daniel asked, looking around the clearly conkerless kitchen. “You can’t play conkers without conkers! And I don’t see any conkers!”

“With that horrible shrivelled up old conker he keeps in that creepy drawer over there,” said Claire.

“What creepy drawer?”

“His stupid conker drawer over there,” said Claire, pointing vaguely in the direction of the strangely eerie corner of the kitchen no one ever used or stood in or even tried hiding in if they were bored enough to play hide and seek.

“I didn’t even know he had a conker drawer.”

“Where else would he keep his stupid unbeatable conker?” Claire said.

Daniel shrugged.

“This one, Daniel,” said Ethel, giving the drawer a heavy push just to make sure it was definitely 100% fully closed. “The one where he keeps all his old shoelaces.”

“Which he only keeps for conkers!” said Daniel, nodding his head. “That makes so much sense. So where is Dad anyway?”

“He’s gone downstairs to get some chips,” said Ethel.

“I tricked him into it,” said Claire proudly.

“We both tricked him into it,” Ethel said.

“But mostly I tricked him into it,”” said Claire. “Ethel was totally unnecessary for the plan.”

“I was not!”

“You were!” Claire said. “And anyway, I formulated the plan.”

“Ohh, you formulated the plan!” Ethel said. “You are such an idiot, Claire!"

"I am not!"

"And stop saying I like that! It’s so annoying!”

“No,” said Claire. “And anyway, we don’t have to play conkers now. So stop complaining.”

“Awww,” said Daniel. “I like conkers.”

“Yeah, I like conkers too,” Ethel said, already starting to regret teaming up with Claire.

“Because conkers is BONKERS!”

“But it was either conkers or chips,” said Claire. “And I know which one I prefer.”

“Urgh!” said Ethel.

“And chips are BLIPS!”

“Shut up Daniel!”

Match

“How did conkers go?” Tina asked, as she emerged from the shadows in the hall and joined her dad on the very short trip downstairs to the chip shop.

“I’m, er, still undefeated,” Antoine said. “Five years in a row now, I think.”

“Did Claire trick you into buying her chips again?”

“I wouldn’t say tricked…”

“But Mum said we weren’t allowed chips today, Dad.”

“I know, I know,” Antoine said. “But Claire even had Ethel on her side this time. Which was slightly disconcerting.”

“Poor Dad,” said Tina. “But Mum still won’t be happy with you if she finds out…” Then she looked up at him, her face a picture of absolutely astonishing innocence. “So, anyway, you know the bookshop next to the chip shop? There’s this book in there I’ve wanted for ages…””

[blombluss]

That stroy has conkered my heart!!!!

Also - I enjoyed it!

[dng]

hooray

[dng]

Tales From The Town #220: David

David hadn’t been seen, mentioned, or thought of for quite some time, so it was with a sense of mild relief, perhaps, when he was sighted, upside down, in a hedge on the outskirts of town.