n3ta

running low on ideas now clearly

but there's only a week to go

Tales From The Town #166: How To Catch A Vampire

“Urgh! What are you doing, Daniel?”

“I’m trying to see if you’re a vampire!”

“And tickling my neck with a flower proves that how?”

“I’m not tickling your neck. I’m trying to see if you like butter.”

“Of course I like butter. Everyone likes butter! You don’t need a flower to know that!”

“But I need to know for certain. You might be lying about liking butter.”

“Why would I lie about liking butter, Daniel?”

“Vampires don’t like butter. That’s how you can tell they’re vampires.”

“What? Where did you hear that?”

“Vampire website.”

Tales From The Town #167: Football

“What are you watching?”

“Football.”

“What are you watching football for, Daniel?”

“I like it when they kick the ball really high up in the air. Sometimes they kick it so high it goes off the top the screen!”

“Pffft. Anyone can do that. I can do that. I once kicked a ball into a tree.”

“We know, Claire.”

“And another time I kicked a ball over the house.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Shut up, Ethel. I did.”

“When?”

“When you weren’t there, obviously.”

“How did you kick a ball over the house when our ball is still stuck in the tree you kicked it into?”

“I did it before that. Obviously.”

“I once kicked the ball right over the school.”

“Don’t lie, Daniel. No one could kick a football over a school.”

“Not even Claire.”

“Shut up, Ethel. I could easily kick a football over the school. I once kicked a football right off the beach and it hit the horizon!”

“You didn’t.”

“I did!”

“You did not!”

“I did!”

“You did not!”

(repeat until end of VAR check)

a sequel to this story about snooker from the last bank holiday monday

https://accumulationofthings.com/things ... 6-snooker/

and also this one about football from last year some time

https://accumulationofthings.com/things ... -town-102/

dng wrote: Thu May 23, 2024 11:54 am but there's only a week to go

Keep going, Sir, I'm enjoying all these written things.

cheers

Tales From The Town #168: Time

In the cities they say time flows like a river. But out here it resembles a lake. Still and calm, depths undisturbed since ages past, yet visible still to anyone who dares to peer beneath the surface.

Don’t look down and all that history's barely even there.

Tales From The Town #169: Bank Holiday Monday (Slight Return)

“I can’t believe we don’t have to go to stupid school today!” Claire exulted. “On a Monday! That’s never happened before! Ever!”

“It literally happened earlier this month, Claire,” Tina sighed.

“No it didn’t,” said Claire.

“On May Day,” Ethel remarked.

“We only had Monday off then,” Claire said, bolstering her earlier argument with facts, even if they contradicted previous arguments she might well have presented before. “Now we’ve got the whole week off.”

“Like at Easter,” said Daniel, nodding knowledgeably (and also enthusiastically). “When it happened twice.”

“Shut up, Daniel,” said Claire. “Everyone just shut up. Don’t even try and spoil this!”

Topical pleasingness!

that ones a sequel to the earlier bank holiday one (obviously, etc)

https://accumulationofthings.com/things ... ay-monday/

Tales From The Town #170: An Agnes FAQ

https://accumulationofthings.com/things ... agnes-faq/

a question and answer session

dng wrote: Tue May 28, 2024 9:26 pm Tales From The Town #170: An Agnes FAQ

https://accumulationofthings.com/things ... agnes-faq/

a question and answer session

Q. was that an enjoyable read?
A. ves.

hooray. thank you

And here's the last three days of may, all in a row

Tales From The Town #171: A Haunting

If I could be a ghost
  I’d be the sort of ghost
        that lingers
         and doesn’t leave

Tales From The Town #172: Returns

“Mum! Mum! Dad’s back!”

“In his cave?”

“No! He lives above a chip shop now,” said Ethel.

“Which one?”

“All of them!” Daniel said excitedly.

“Well, isn’t that nice,” Agnes said. “Even if it doesn’t make much sense. At least hopefully this means you don’t think I killed him anymore.”

“We never thought that, Mum,” Tina said.

“It was Claire that thought that!” Ethel said.

“We didn’t believe her for a second,” Daniel said. “Not one! Or two! Or three! Or – ”

“Where is Claire, anyway?” Agnes asked.

“Oh she’s still shouting at Dad,” Tina said.

“Good for her,” Agnes said.

“She’s shouting so loud not even chips will calm her down,” Ethel said.

“Or ice cream,” TIna added.

“Or chips!” said Daniel.

“Or smoothies!”

“Or chips!”

“How many portions of chips can one girl eat?” Agnes wondered.

“A lot,” Tina said. “Especially when she’s angry.”

“She was going to demand a cheeseburger next,” Ethel said.

“Which was when we thought we should come home and tell you she’s already had her tea.”

“Well, at least someone’s enjoying herself,” Agnes said. “I hope she let you three have something to eat too?”

“We had ice creams,” said Tina.

“But only one,” said Ethel, possibly a little too quickly.

“And chips!” Daniel added, dreaming of chips.

Tales From The Town #173: May Daze

Last day of May. Picnic in the garden under a cloudless sky. Claire and Ethel cartwheel cross the grass. Tina and Daniel sitting together on the swing.

Agnes takes the picture without even thinking about. On her phone, it’s preserved in pristine condition for all eternity, and forgotten within the week. Printed out, put in a frame, the colours fade year by year. Yet the scene grows ever more vivid until eventually it fills her entire field of view.

and that's the end of may

Good-o, Sir!

Best line: “She’s shouting so loud not even chips will calm her down,” Ethel said.

"On her phone, it’s preserved in pristine condition for all eternity, and forgotten within the week. Printed out, put in a frame, the colours fade year by year. Yet the scene grows ever more vivid until eventually it fills her entire field of view."

Pleasingly evocative!

Excellent, thank you

Now I'm going to finish writing female kill machine 3, if that's okay with you

The committee will take a vote on this...

Tales From The Town #174: Facts About… The First Of June

Panel 1: Facts About… The First Of June (all caps, with a drop shadow and a triple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!” written in a jaunty font that closely resembles comic sans but isn’t actually comic sans for licensing reasons)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s face – “June the 1st?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s face – “June the worst more like!”

Notes: If you would like to publish Facts About… With Claire! on your own website or in your school newspaper please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire

I chuckled!

Tales From The Town #176: Pennies, Pounds

1. The Pound Machine

The pound machine at the arcade was definitely the best machine Daniel had ever met.

You put a pound in.

You got a pound out.

But expanded from one coin to fifty. Enough to fill an entire yoghurt pot and still have some left to put in every pocket you had.

It was like magic. It suggested a world of fractal expansion, where if you had enough machines you could increase your fortune forever until it was big enough to fill up more than just one yoghurt pot but maybe even as many as four yoghurt pots. And you couldn’t even hold four yoghurt pots. Not ever. Not unless you had four arms!

2. The Penny Machine

The penny machine at the supermarket was definitely the worst machine Daniel had ever met.

You put your pennies in.

And out came a pound.

Or worse, a five pound note. That wasn’t even a coin, let alone thousands of coins, all of them different in their own little ways.

It was like antimagic. The magnificent hugeness of the world reduced down to something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. And even then you wouldn’t want it in the palm of your hand, because they insisted on being made of paper that was surprisingly horrible to hold. It was like they wanted you to throw it away. Blurgh.

That made me grin on several occasions!

£4

thanks

dng wrote: Sat Jun 01, 2024 10:09 am Tales From The Town #174: Facts About… The First Of June

Panel 1: Facts About… The First Of June (all caps, with a drop shadow and a triple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!” written in a jaunty font that closely resembles comic sans but isn’t actually comic sans for licensing reasons)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s face – “June the 1st?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s face – “June the worst more like!”

Notes: If you would like to publish Facts About… With Claire! on your own website or in your school newspaper please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire

Tales From The Town #177: Facts About… The Longest Day

Panel 1: Facts About… The Longest Day (all caps, with a drop shadow and a quadruple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!!” written in a jaunty font that closely resembles comic sans because it is actually comic sans)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s face – “The Longest Day?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s face – “The wrongest day more like!”

Notes: If you would like to publish Facts About… With Claire! in your school newspaper or on your own t-shirt please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire

Huzzah!

Tales From The Town #178: Spaceships Built From Steam
Just now
“Spaceship.”

“And that one?”

“Spaceship.”

“What about that one?”

“Spaceship.”

“Daniel, will you stop saying they all look like spaceships when not one of them looks even anything at all like a spaceship EVEN SLIGHTLY!”

“They don’t just look like spaceships, Claire. They ARE spaceships.”

“No they’re not. They’re clouds!”

“They’re lighter than air!”

“Yeah?”

“And they move!”

“So?

“They can disappear!”

“And?”

“And they’re full of space!”

Claire remained unconvinced by Daniel's arguments on the matter.

I haff been pleased!

Tales From The Town #179: Puppet Show

The puppet show will be appearing at various locations around the town throughout the summer. Performances last for approximately 45 minutes and entry is free. The puppets are 8 to 12 inches high and made from varnished wood, and move across the stage in ways variously described as “creepy” (Ethel, aged 9), “weird” (Claire, aged 9), “mesmerising” (Tina, aged 9), and “like if they were secretly spiders” (Daniel, aged 9). The stories they tell have been proclaimed as “eerie” (Ethel), “stupid” (Claire), “moving” (Tina), and “like secret spider dreams” (Daniel).

Whoever is operating them and for what purpose is currently unknown. If you have any information or concerns about anything related to puppets or puppetry, please call 999 immediately.

i forgot to write one last week. please do not hate me

Hurrah!

Tales From The Town #180: Hot

It was hot. Too hot. Too hot to sleep. Too hot to move. Too hot to moan.

Okay, it wasn’t too hot to moan. But it was definitely too hot for anything else.

Ha!

Tales From The Town #181: A Psychic Assault On The Children Of The Town

First day of the summer holidays, and the “Back To School” signs were up in Smiths. Even Tina shuddered in horror and walked past as quickly as she could.

God, yes.

Tales From The Town #182: The Olympics

“What are you watching Greco-Roman wrestling for?” Tina asked.

“I don’t know,” said Daniel.

“What the heck even IS Greco-Roman wrestling?” Ethel asked.

“I don’t know,” said Daniel.

“Why the hell is Greco-Roman wrestling so stupid?” asked Claire.

“I don’t know,” said Daniel.

Tale From The Town #183: Daniel’s Guide To The Size Of Dogs

Little Tiny Dogs – Little Tiny Dogs are the littlest of all dogs.
Tiny Dogs – Tiny Dogs are the second littlest of all dogs.
Little Dogs – Little Dogs are the third littlest of all dogs.
Normal Dogs – Normal Dogs are neither little nor big but inbetween. You can tell if a dog is a normal sized dog because Mum doesn’t point at them and say “Look at that Little Dog” or “Look at that Big Dog” when she sees one. Instead she says nothing about them at all.
Big Dogs – Big Dogs are the fourth biggest of all dogs.
Really Big Dogs – Really Big Dogs are third biggest of all dogs.
Huge Dogs – Huge Dogs are the second biggest of all dogs.
Horses – Horses are the biggest dogs by far.

This is the most important dog size guide I have seen in weeks!

Would recommend!

Tales From The Town #184: A Fort

The fort stood halfway up the hill at the end of the garden, as far beyond the swings as the swings were from the house. It was constructed from four deckchairs, one picnic blanket, two beach towels, someone’s t-shirt, three shoes and a stone. Its current supplies consisted of two jam sandwiches, one apple, and a packet of quavers, two water pistols, three quarters of a bucket of ammunition (paddling pool water), plus a colouring book, three pens, two dolls, and a plastic tea set (imaginary tea optional).

Their enemies occupied the Wendy House, and woud be resisted at all costs (up to and including getting soaked by water bombs).

Tales From The Town #185: Antiques

At the antiques fair, Simon sold his childhood for vastly more than he’d ever bought it for, but vastly less than he would eventually realise it was worth.

Tales From The Town #186: Dreams Of Animals

On the night of the 31st August, 2024, at exactly 1:23 am, the occupants of the house all simultaneously dreamt dreams that involved animals entering and/or occupying their home.

Agnes dreamt of autumnal dogs sleeping by the fire.
Ethel dreamt of cats and where in the house to find them.
Tina dreamt of a lightly freckled doe shivering in the hall.
Claire dreamt of otters misbehaving in the bathroom.
Anya dreamt birds were nesting in her bowl of all bran.
Oya dreamt of spiders weaving net curtains over all the open windows.
Daniel dreamt entire zoos into every room.
The dolls dreamt of ogres.
The house dreamt of all the ghosts it’d known.

What conclusions can we draw from this? None.

Topping stuff, Davuss!

'A Fort' is my fave, because Wendy House enemies are the worst kind of enemies!

wendy houses are hives of pure evil

Pure evil time portals. (Batteries not included)

Tales From The Town #187: Facts About… Going Back To School

Panel 1: Facts About… Going Back To School (all caps, with a drop shadow and a quadruple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!!!” written in a jaunty font that closely resembles comic sans because it is actually comic sans and also it’s in bright red)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s face – “Back to school?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s face – “Back to cruel more like!”

Notes: If you would like to publish Facts About… With Claire! in your secret diary or on your own noticeboard please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire